Transcending the BLAME GAME

Welcome to Laila Ghattas Blog & Newsletter.

Here’s your complimentary Transcending The Blame Game Intro Workshop

On a recent private Couple’s Workshop, and on many other events I’ve facilitated that focused on relationship patterns and dynamics, the subject of blame came up.After listening carefully to each person make their own case for the problems, the underlying message is often a strong belief the other person is to blame.

This is true between spouses, family members, friends and co-workers.

The subtext is : “If that person would only change, or do this, or stop doing that, everything would be fine. It’s all his/her fault. Or at least mostly.”

My response to hearing this unspoken sentiment is this statement of fact. As long as you blame the other for the trouble in the relationship any amount of therapy or money thrown at the relationship won’t help.

You have to address your belief that the other has to do the changing.

You have to come to terms with your attitude, your judgement and be prepared to inform it of what’s really going on including your personal accountability in the situation.

Otherwise NOTHING is going to change. The destructive patterns will repeat, the suffering will continue and lives will be short changed of joy.

What a waste.

The good news is you are in control of your beliefs and can address them.

Through awareness of what you deeply hold as true, you can reflect and evaluate if in the light of day your attitude is actually correct. Fair. Loving. Respectful.

All the things you hope and wish for to receive yourself from those around you.

The good news is there’s a simple exercise that can go a long way to helping you break out of what is usually a tenacious pattern of blaming someone else for your troubles.

The important thing is to do the first part completely before even reading the instructions for the second part.

By following the instructions and rhythm laid out for this exercise you will benefit the most.

So try to be patient and trusting, and do the first part first before proceeding to the second.

Do it that way for you, because you’re worth it!

TRANSCENDING THE BLAME GAME
INTRO WORKSHOP

What you need to begin:

  • paper
  • pen
  • colourful pens, markers, crayons…
Created by Laila Ghattas

PART ONE

This is kind of fun. Fold a piece of lined paper down the middle.
On one side privately list all the things you can’t stand about the person you’re not getting along with right now.

All the stuff that you wish they’d change. The big trigger stuff that makes you seethe, grind your teeth, curse and cuss silently or out loud.
Go ahead, knock your self out with your list.

Be as honest as possible. No one will see this list. Make sure of that.

When you’re done, identify the ones at the top of your complaints, the ones you’d give anything for that person to change, and put a star or check beside it.

Now without much thought, pick up your coloured pencils and make a small doodle on how you feel when you think about each of these top three complaints.
Jot down the complaint under your doodle to identify for later.

If you have completed all of PART ONE, please proceed with PART TWO.
If you’re simply reading through out of curiosity, please go back and do part one. Don’t rob yourself of something as helpful as this exercise please.

Now you’re ready for Part Two.

PART TWO

Once you have completed Part One on the empty side of the page, beside each complaint, write a new sentence.

This new sentence will be all about you, owning the very thing you were complaining about. Use it as an ‘I’ statement.

For example; I wish she’d be nicer to me………. I wish I was nicer to her. OR I wish I was nicer to myself. Both may be true.

Note how you feel taking ownership of your complaint of the other as something that you don’t exactly love about yourself.

Make a new doodle of how you feel with each sentence. Nothing fancy, just catch your mood with colour, shape, details.  Remember to name each doodle with the sentence your tried on.

What all of us do, as par for the course, is project ourselves onto other people.

All day, every day.

When we don’t accept something about ourselves like stinginess, tardiness, thoughtlessness, bad listening, irresponsible, unreliable, etc, when these traits are not integrated into our complete sense of our perfectly imperfect self, we automatically put the unacceptable trait onto those around us and complain about it.

Sometimes very loudly.

We create a disharmony gulf that won’t be bridged.
Once you realize you’re really complaining about something you don’t like or accept about yourself, a small miracle occurs.

The more you accept every aspect of yourself, light and dark, the less you’ll have to complain about in others.

Just have a look at the two sets of doodle from Part One and Two. There’s loads of info in there to help you know how you really feel..

The more you embrace all of you, the more you’ll get along with others. You’ll feel your buttons pushed less often.

When you accept yourself, you will have a much easier time accepting others. 
Or you simply won’t care what they do.

Because you are OK about it in you.

Bliss is detachment from what anyone else is doing.

It’s as simple as that. 

Humbling and true.

Humility and curiosity are the best allies to have in any relationship.
Invite them along and see how much more fun the ride becomes.

Tend to your stuff and see how little it matters about all the stuff flying around you.
You’ll be at peace.

Home Sweet Home.

Happy to help.

If you’d like to discuss and explore your doodles to discover all the wonderful messages you’ve sent yourself,
please consider booking time with Laila Ghattas.

Email to make an appointment.

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